Laws of Power: Don’t Trust Your Friends

And Learn How to Use Enemies

“You often do not know your friends as well as you imagine. Friends often agree on things in order to avoid an argument. They cover up their unpleasant qualities so as to not offend each other. They laugh extra hard at each other’s jokes. Since honesty rarely strengthens friendship, you may never know how a friend truly feels. Friends will say that they love your poetry, adore your music, envy your taste in clothes — maybe they mean it, often they do not.”

― The 48 Laws of Power

This is a series in which I muse about the ideas mentioned in the book The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene. Of all the laws in the book, this one is the biggest gut punch. To me, it’s the barometer for whether you put the book down or keep reading.

Friends. The family we choose. What bond could be more wholesome and unbound from the complications so often present in familial and romantic relationships? Well, about that…

The Price of Business

All relationships are transactional on some level. What varies is the level of intentionality you bring to them. For example, a relationship that feels synergistic without trying is one in which those transactions happen naturally. That’s rare. Most of the time, we don’t encounter transactional imbalances with friends because the interactions are lighthearted. In moments that need strong levels of trust, things can get messy. Hence the conventional wisdom of “don’t mix friendship with business.”

But why don’t they work together well? After all, there are plenty of examples where two (or more) friends succeeded in a big way business-wise. The problem is the past. The shared history that fosters a bond between you and a friend is the same thing that will risk breaking it. Gratitude is a burden that few will repay, even when they should. Self-interest, however, is always willing to do its fair share.

Try bringing up what you’ve done for someone in the past and see how much that moves them. It won’t be a lot. In fact, it's more likely to provoke an angry response. Or, even more dangerously, the friend will return the favour but harbour resentment for it. Resentment always finds a way out, even in unrecognised guises.

A favour creates an imbalance, a burden that weighs on the mind. This is why transactionality matters. It’s harmonic; every yin is sufficiently yanged. Friendship is like two celestial bodies in a gravitational orbit. As soon as that force is disrupted, cataclysmic things can happen.

Anti-meritocracy

People are prideful. It’s been the demise of many great people, so it’s rare to find a person who’s above it. If you hire a friend, there’s a fair chance they’ll be grateful — at first. But then, questions will creep closer to the front of their minds: “was I only hired because I’m a friend?” or “was this an act of charity?”

You’ll soon find them disagreeing with you. They’ll start measuring their independence by the extent to which they can oppose your views and get away with it. Nobody wants their main attribute in a situation to be “the friend.” There will be little gratitude shown for something that, deep down, isn’t truly seen as a generous gesture.

The flip side of this is that, more often than not, you will start to regret such favours too. What you need in a business partner is competence. Loyalty is desirable, yes, but it’s hard to measure, and people are fickle. Firing people is hard. It’s even harder to do with a friend since there’s more at stake.

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1. Never Outshine the Master

2. Don’t Trust Your Friends

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Every Enemy Is an Opportunity

“Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?”

— Abraham Lincoln

Opponents focus the mind. They give you definition — something to test yourself against, a measuring stick for your abilities. A great sportsperson needs a rival. A great conqueror needs a fierce fallen foe. But, in the fluid world of interpersonal relationships, such classifications should never be static. An enemy is only an enemy today.

At first, the “making enemies into friends” approach was dubious to me. It has repeatedly been shown to work in practice, though.

Our enemies are often people to whom we want to prove something. Usually, this is done by beating them, but that isn’t the only way. Respect from an enemy is pure. Enemies point out your flaws in the harshest ways, often by exploiting them to their advantage. They have less reason to lie when complimenting you.

Few things are more validating than a prior enemy becoming an ally. It’s an endorsement that speaks volumes. You can never fully rest easy in the newfound good graces of a former enemy, but if they make that transition, they can become the people most loyal to you. They will want to prove themselves worthy of your trust.

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