A friend recently told me that she enjoyed helping her friend move house much more than she’d enjoyed moving house herself. It brought to mind something my grandmother would often say. My grandmother is 93, but our grandparents are always old to us so it feels like she’s been that age forever. Since I can remember, every time she has come to my house she has, almost on instinct, gone straight to the sink to do our dishes. She would also remark, as is customary at this point, “isn’t it funny how we enjoy doing other people’s dishes but not our own”. I’ve never done someone else’s dishes, but if I did I’m sure I’d like it more than doing my own dishes… which I’ve also never done, but the point remains.
For some people it would seem that other people’s problems are great incentivisors (might have just made that word up - a motivator and incentive combo). Is this true for most people? To an extent perhaps it is the case. Many people spring into action far quicker when there’s an external reason or pressure to do so. Conversely, people often find being self-directed difficult, almost like their own desire is not quite enough of a reason to do something wholeheartedly, if at all.
It’s not surprising to me, as I’m sure it won’t be to you, that both of the people I’ve mentioned could be classified as “givers”. To do someone else’s dishes brings with it many things: the feel good factor of alleviating someone (who’s often close to you) from one of life’s great annoyances, the subtle strengthening of a bond or being the helping hand that reaches out. To do your own dishes brings with it… clean dishes, that will end up getting dirty again pretty soon. Doing someone else’s dishes, silly as it sounds, can have symbolic weight. Doing your own is just a chore.
(Thought experiment: if you gave two givers the others’ chores to do on a regular basis, would those chores get done more effectively than if they did their own?)
For the givers of the world the golden rule ought to be inverted as advice for them: treat yourself as you would treat others. If they could summon up the same intensity of action for themselves as they do for others they’d be far better served - by themselves.
Nathan, you've never experienced the joy of washing your grandmother's dishes? As someone who frequently jumps in to do dishes for other people... I recommend it! (But then again, I also love doing my own dishes.)
I think with one's own chores, there's often a lack of urgency and thus a greater tendency to put things off. When it comes to helping others, even if we genuinely care about the other party, I think there's also - at least subconsciously - a self-interested, less altruistic component. Maybe not in the sense of expecting the other person to do dishes in return; more so because it feels like the right thing to do in that moment, and we want to feel like we're helpful people. I imagine that after doing the dishes for someone else (whom we don't completely despise), most people feel at least a bit happier inside. Once we've committed to helping someone else out, and especially if it's done of our own volition, yes, it feels less like a chore.
Respond to thought experiment - When most of us first embark on a new career or job, or buy a new car, after sometime... it is going to feel different. Would that be the same as "doing the same someone else's chore on a regular basis"?
I am very tempted to ask Givers, "what is it in you that you wanted to fulfill or connect with when you do what you do."
I am quite afraid to ask.
Your grandmother is so sweet. Is that the same grandmother you mentioned in one of the ISFJ video? That video made me giggle ...