You Are What You Give
There are a some well-worn phrases that piss me off. For example: “Those who can, do. Those who can’t, teach” or “Be the change you want to see.” Both of them have a common thread that bothers me. They presuppose that someone has to be the thing in order to contribute towards the thing, or help other people becoming the thing.
Teaching is a skill. Would I be in a rush to take advice on how to become a millionaire from someone who’s terrible with money? No, I wouldn't. But it’s the quality of the advice that matters in the end. Plenty of change makers throughout history did not have their own house in order, or were hypocrites on some level. Some of the best managers of sports teams in history didn’t even play the sport in question.
The skills that make someone able to catalyse growth in others or engender external change don’t always line up perfectly with a person’s capacity to grow or change themselves. However, there is one area in which this notion is applicable (or useful) in my view.
If someone close to you is struggling, let’s say they’re feeling unstable, you will want to bring them peace. You could try to logic them into feeling peace. That rarely ends well. If you fake it and try to appear peaceful yourself it won’t work. It has to emanate from you authentically in order for the other person to be soothed by it. It is infectious.
I’m reminded of what people say about horses and dogs — they pick up on your emotional state. A horse can feel the presence of a fly on its body, any hesitation of movement on your part will not go unfelt. Dogs get agitated when you’re feeling frustrated or stressed. They pick up on what you’re actually feeling rather than the pretence.
To give a sense of peace you have to embody it first. To give a sense of stability, you have to be stable yourself, at least in that moment. This isn’t quite karma since it’s not about getting back what you give. It’s more that you have to become the thing to truly give it. In this way, we are what we’re able to give.
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