We Are All Lying...

... When We Are Really Trying

“The meaning of life is just to be alive. It is so plain and so obvious and so simple. And yet, everybody rushes around in a great panic as if it were necessary to achieve something beyond themselves.”

― Alan Watts

The Great Pretenders

People are good at hiding — most of all in plain view. Identity and image exist in an unholy union. At some point in our life we will encounter a curious creature, an archetype of sorts. This is a person who acts contrary to their nature. Their actions are extreme, over the top, and misleading. They exaggerate what they are not. We usually don't have the words for such people, especially if we first meet such a person when we're very young. As time passes they become far more common to us though. In fact, for most people, in at least some area of their life, it's the norm. We all do it. Some of us don't realise we're doing it. Some of us know it but can't stop doing it. Some of us do it with outright intent. It is so ubiquitous that I've come to believe, on average, the following...

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Any Overdetermined Behaviour Indicates Its Opposite

These behaviours are like photographic negatives. The colours and shades we see are inversely related to their true appearance. Here are too many some examples:

A person who is overtly aggressive is often masking a feeling of weakness and insecurity. A person who is relentless in their desire to live every moment of their life fully might be running from a fear of death. A person who is overly kind in the way they act might be doing so for selfish reasons. A person who constantly boasts about their achievements and possessions could be hiding feelings of inadequacy and low self-esteem. A person who is excessively controlling in relationships or situations may actually feel a deep sense of powerlessness and fear of chaos in their own life.

Yeah, I’m not done yet… Someone who is overly critical and judgmental of others might be projecting their own insecurities and dissatisfaction with themselves. A person who often plays the victim in situations might be avoiding responsibility for their actions and choices, thereby victimising others in the process. Someone who is extremely conformist and never opposes any opinion might actually struggle with a fear of rejection or a lack of personal identity. An individual who is excessively cheerful and optimistic might be masking deep-seated sadness or even depression. A person who is overly generous and always insists on paying or giving gifts may have a deep fear of abandonment and use generosity to make themselves indispensable to others, i.e., they give because they’re needy.

I think you get the point.

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All Good Things Are the Absence of Something

How to be cool, confident, and um… insert another C word to finish the alliteration for me. No, not that C word. Keep it clean.

I am not cool. Let’s start there. But I have known cool people, and they have something in common: they don’t care what people think of them. That is not a trait. It’s the absence of a trait. You’ll find that this counterintuitive idea underlies nearly all desirable attributes.

Confident people seem like they have something — a charisma or more-ness about them. We might gawk at such people in admiration, or envy, wondering how they occupy that state of being sustainably. Yet, if we were to look back at our childhoods, we’d find ourselves to be paragons of carefree confidence. What happened? Maybe we knew something back then but forgot what it was? I don’t think it’s that. Like many good things, confidence is there as a default, it just gets buried below the evermore compacting layers of insecurity that life piles on top of you sooner or later. Confidence is not something to be learned, insecurity is something to be unlearned. You don’t discover confidence, you uncover it.

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Not Trying to Not Try

So what is the aim here exactly? Well, it’s in large part about letting go of aims. Obviously, you can’t live that way. We all need to get stuff done. But, when it comes to your identity, your “you-ness”, it’s possible — and desirable!

Moving through life with that frictionless lightness of foot is not about techniques or practiced methods; it’s about the removal of the things that weigh on you. It’s about not trying to be something. However, we also can’t try to stop being something, because then we’re still trying, as opposed to being.

What is your overdetermined behaviour?

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