How to Be Charismatic or Charming

(And Why They’re Not the Same Thing)

Let’s throw aside dictionary definitions. They won't help in this case, so I’ll use my own. Charm is about being likeable. Charisma is about being captivating.

If I asked you to name a charismatic person, you’d probably be able to easily. There are many famous people who qualify. If I asked you to name a charming person though, you might struggle. There is a reason for this. Charming people tailor their attention to the person they’re interacting with. Charm is not scalable since it’s an intimate, often one-on-one quality. Because of that, the most charming person you know is likely to be someone in your personal life.

Charismatic people are often divisive. These are larger than life characters. They are magnetic in the truest sense, capable of attraction and repulsion in equal measure. They paint in broad strokes and thus alienate some people with their lack of nuance. Donald Trump is charismatic. The simple mention of his name provokes a split of opinion. Donald Trump is not charming. Perhaps no other person illustrates the difference more clearly.

Let me confess something to you. I’m more of a tactician than a strategist. That, for people who concern themselves with such things, is quite the admission. Strategists are the high-level thinkers who see the whole war campaign playing out. Tacticians are more concerned with the battle at hand. I’d rather someone show me the exact buttons to press on a new piece of software instead of them talking in terms of themes, ideas or systematic approaches. Because of this, I’ve developed a particular approach that allows me to think more strategically than I normally would: I try to find the one tactic that is most suggestive of a broader strategy.

Traits like charm or charisma, in reality, are a thousand small gestures all moving in union. To break them down is impractical. In such cases, I look for the tactic from which the broader themes easily arise. For example, if I were to tell someone to smile more, that’s a tactic. If they then used that in practice, they’d notice a pattern — people almost always smile back. Now you’ve moved to the level of ideas. In this case, mirroring. People tend to mirror each other. If you want to explore that further, you can, but it started with a simple tactic. A purposeful and precise action when compounded through repetition might flourish into strategy. The following two tactics are the ones I think sit at the heart of charm and charisma. The core strategies will unfold naturally from using them.

Core Charm Tactic

Ask questions. That’s it. No single thing will make you more charming than this. When to ask a question, your tone of voice and body language when doing so and which questions to ask — these are all things that can be refined in time. If this is not natural to you at first, it might come across as interrogating. The better you get at those things, the more charming you’ll be. Charm puts other people in the spotlight. It gives attention. After an interaction with a charming person, people feel seen, heard, understood and liked. That last part is important. Charm is about making other people feel like you like them. That, in turn, makes them like you.

Charming people are selectively honest. They choose which truths are best to shine a spotlight on and which are better left to fade in the quiet. There are countless harsh realities to hand in any moment. Any conversation might be flooded with such unpleasant truths, but what is the point of that? Better, then, to highlight the genuine good. Of course, someone might be an exponent of dark charm. Basically, that’s deception. It’s “pleasant lies”. There is no need to do that, though. Positive focus on the good is a valid way to be, and it doesn’t prevent you from facing up to the difficulties of life. A charming person applies a filter to what they say. This is in absolute contrast to how charismatic people are.

Core Charisma Tactic

Say what you think. Charismatic people are honest regardless of the consequences. They’re authentic, fully in the knowledge that some people simply won’t like them. A charismatic person evokes or provokes an emotional reaction from people. The kind of emotion stirred up is not that important. It’s not the case that a charismatic person has to exist perpetually in this mode. It can be a switch that’s toggled as needed. But when it’s on, it needs to be full-on. A charismatic person removes all filters.

To do this, simply say what you’re thinking at any given point. Sometimes it will be stupid, other times brilliant, and often hilariously random, but it will always have an impact. Like a veteran improvisational comedian, your timing will improve with practice. You’ll master the art of efficient charisma. One well-placed line can colour a whole night or whole impression of you that someone has.

It’s important to note that charisma is not about being likeable. That is a common byproduct of it and might be your motivation for wanting to be charismatic, but what lies at its core is impact. If you’re someone who can’t stand being disliked, charisma is not for you.

Which One Should I Be?

Whichever feels right. Based on the descriptions alone it should be obvious which one you are. They aren’t mutually exclusive, but they do require very different approaches. Jumping between them can be jarring. It’s better to pick one and stick to that in my view.

If you’re agreeable and conflict-averse then the charming route is the only one you should attempt. If you’re happy stirring things up then being charismatic is great. Charismatic people tend to change the mood of the room as soon as they walk into it. Charming people change the mood of the room slowly, bit by bit, or instead focus on one small part of the room, or just one person in the room.

If you have a performative impulse, charisma is ideal. If you prefer to be out of the spotlight, go with charm. Charismatic people are the performers, charming people are the audience. In that sense, charming people make other people feel charismatic (whether they are or not). Everyone secretly wishes they had an audience who were invested in their lives, an audience who truly saw and appreciated them.

It might be tempting to find fault with both approaches, but the true enemy is apathy. The simple decision to not be checked out of an interaction, to be present and focussed, is transformative. It is a choice in favour of connection, of life.