“No artist is pleased. There is no satisfaction whatever at any time. There is only a queer, divine dissatisfaction; a blessed unrest that keeps us marching and makes us more alive than the others.”
― Martha Graham
Me and my mother were conversing (because talking is too generic) recently and realised we had a significant trait in common. We feel compelled to get things done, and once they’re done, we move on to the next thing instantly. I know that sounds fairly obvious since life is essentially an endless list of things that need to be done. But a crucial aspect we share is the sheer lack of enjoyment we get in completing a task, or should I say, the fleeting nature of the enjoyment.
When making a YouTube video for example, it is the most important thing in the world to me, it is all consuming, yet the moment it is uploaded, I start thinking about the next one. There is zero satisfaction, only a vague sense of relief. This sounds pretty joyless and in a sense it is but the problem is that the only thing worse for me than this approach is… every other approach. Not solving problems, not getting things done, is unthinkable. This brings up a philosophical dilemma: what if for some people, their ideal lives actually lack intense satisfaction and joyous fulfilment?
Here’s how I’d describe it:
“I don’t enjoy the process and I don’t enjoy the outcome, but I love who I am when I live this way.”
It’s a strangely philosophical way to “enjoy” something. But maybe this is more common than I initially thought? I imagine that there are many people who take on challenges of extreme difficulty and pain and feel only relief after rising to them. What they ultimately get is the ability to look back on an achievement, a body of work, a back catalogue — and feel this subtle but powerful sense of ‘what kind of person they are’ to have done those things.
It reminds me of a story of the philosopher calmly sitting down and blocking the path of Alexander the Great and his men to which one of Alexander’s generals said:
“This man has conquered the world! What have you done?”
The philosopher replied without an instant’s hesitation, “I have conquered the need to conquer the world.”
Greed is often demonised as is the capitalistic society which seems to inspire and reward it. I get it, I really do. I have an unerring respect for people who are satisfied and content, to me, these people are perched upon a summit far higher than the mountains that they have overcome the need to climb. However, I have a fundamental dissatisfaction, an arguably unquenchable thirst for more. As is often the case, many emotions, desires and urges that are categorised as negative are in fact neutral. What determines their negativity/positivity is what they are used in service of.
Making assertions about how you intend to live is always a dangerous move. So I’ll just give myself this small reminder to make my discontentment something that brings value to other people whenever possible.
Hi Nathan,
I enjoyed reading your article. I have been pondering this problem and my insatiable need for improvement. I find myself constantly dissatisfied with things and going through the motions. I can identify with not feeling happy/only relief when I complete a task.
I don't necessarily think being dissatisfied with things is a bad thing because it urges us to seek improvement. However, as with all things, balance is required. I was discussing this with my counselor and she mentioned how two emotions can coexist at the same time (i.e. me feeling dissatisfied with things but content with myself). I think whether the the need to improve consumes us or propels us forward is the crux of whether this desire is coming from a healthy/unhealthy place.